Krissy

to be together, or not?

so been an interesting past few days. “reconnected” with HIM via facebook on monday. chatted for 5 hours. by the end, we agreed to give it another shot. he tells me he is happy. but i don’t feel the same way, as i am lost and confused if going back into this is the right thing to do.

so let’s fast forward to now. saw him 3 days in a row. did a lot of talking. again he says he is genuinely happy, glad i have given him another chance. but also in talking, it comes up the previous times we ‘tried’ he was only doing/saying things cos he didn’t want to not see me, but he really didn’t want a relationship at that point. in other words, stringing me along even though i said i didn’t want to be.

so now while i’d really like to believe all the things he is saying about his emotions now are true, there’s part of me that is skeptical and thinks that this is all just a bunch of bs.. now i can’t really think why go he’d go back into this “relationship”, free sex perhaps? but then he could just get that anywhere. so by that argument, then what he is saying should be the truth, cos why waste your time talking about feelings and all that crap (especially what guy!) just to get laid… well i suppose some guys may, but i’m fairly sure he doesn’t have any problems in that department.

however, the past, plus what he has revealed about what he felt before, all that is just eating me up inside. the past is the past, and i can see how before he felt ‘trapped’ so to speak about the options he was given, however part of me is scared shitless that i will open myself up to him and become truly vulnerable, and it will all turn around on it’s head and be over in a flash. i guess that’s where trust comes into it - trust is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to a person, but at this very moment i don’t feel like i can do that. i don’t want to be hurt again. he says he doesn’t want to hurt me, never wanted to hurt me, but he did, and well, to state the bloody obvious, it fucking hurt, so you can’t blame me for feeling this way.

he says that i’m his girlfriend. i want him to be my boyfriend. but i am scared to put that label onto what we are, from my point of view. once i do that, it means i have fully committed to being in this with him, and holy fuck, that scares me. not just the trust thing - but other things as well, his personal situation and what not.

but yeah, the thing that scares me the most is that this isn’t what he really wants, he is going to lose interest, want to see other people. he may not want what i want. he will hurt me again. when i slowly think i am getting over it, i discover more things that yank me back to feeling like absolute crap about the whole situation.

for something that is meant to be good (being in a new relationship, happy to be with that person, excited for things to come..) i hate that i don’t feel all those things.. maybe to some degree but not 100%. but i really don’t think i should feel this way. yet the situation is complicated, and i am sure many a women before me has gone through a similar battle. why do relationships have to be so damn hard? 

i was re-reading one of my favourite quotes:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

the whole quote just resonates with me… one of the reasons i love it so much.

i guess i still have a lot of food for thought and insecurities to deal with. i think only really time will tell if i can learn to trust again, and see if he is really genuine in everything he has told me. i really hope so.